I thought it was time to do a more personal blog post on Honey We Are More.
If I am real, it does feel like a lot of my life is put out to the big wide world, but, I also have A LOT that I hold close to my heart and don’t preach about all the time. Not because I haven’t dealt with these things or because I’m embarrassed by them, but simply because I don’t like to play the victim and dwell on my past.
But sharing doesn't always mean dwelling...
I am also very passionate about sharing how I climbed out of those low valleys or how I conquered the rushing waves and kept my head above water when I was drowning. When we share our journey it can change people's lives. I think we hold things too close to our heart sometimes and people need to hear about it, for your own healing and for theirs.
SO, this is a blog post about growing up without my biological Dad and how that makes me feel.
This is a subject that I haven’t shared much of before because I don’t really know how to put it into words…
I promise to be really honest with you all about how I feel if you promise to hold it with grace and kindness.
This is such an emotional thing to write about and if I am honest, there have not been many moments in my life that I have sat down and thought about what it was like growing up without a Dad or not having a strong relationship with my Dad at all.
I guess one has a lot of questions, and mine were always …. how can he go through his life every single day knowing he has a little girl out there? How can he not think to connect with me or do everything he can to mend a relationship with me? How can you wake up every morning and think about anything else apart from that? Why did you not think what have I done wrong or want to change your life faster so you can build that connection with me? Why if you knew your actions and what you were doing did you do them if you knew it meant not having me in your life? Was I not good enough?
Why is it that the pleasures of this world were greater than having a relationship with me?
Was the jail cell sweeter than teaching me? Did the drugs satisfy you more than my hugs? Did the women give you more love than a family would have?
I could go on for so long about all the questions that I have for him but it's empty.
So here goes.
The little I knew about him came not from spending time with him but more from my mum sharing what he was like.
Filtering stories as I got older. However, the time I did spend with him was a little bit of a blur. He spent a lot of time in jail when I was a baby so mum would go and visit him most weeks and take me along… When I got older I would go and visit him when he was living with my grandparents for a couple of nights every now and then. He seemed to love me lots, but his love was different and didn’t feel like mum's type of love.
He was harsh and didn’t give me much time if I think about it…
When I think back to the time he did give me I remember one day we were on a walk and instead of walking nicely with me he tripped me up on the gravel. I went to stand back up wanting a hug and love from my daddy, for him to make me feel better but that hope came crumbling down in front of me. He pushed me back down said “ oh get up cry baby” I remember it so loud and clear. He then went onto saying how the Easter Bunny, Santa and all my fairytale joys were not real… can you imagine how I felt? All my dreams were crushed. My heart broken….
From that day I remember as a 7-year-old girl driving away looking out to my grandparent’s house and saying to my mum I never want to go back there. I never saw my Dad again….
I knew he was hurting my heart and I knew something wasn’t right.
My Dad was a man who was into all the wrong things. He let quick fixes affect his whole world. They ruled him. I don’t know everything about him as I have never sought after all the answers. I could have but I just didn’t. I don’t know all the ins and outs of his life and I can’t remember the sound of his voice but I do know that I deserved more than what he was giving me. I deserved more teaching.
We had one printed photo of him in our home tucked away in a dusted box. He looked scary with tattoos all over his body. His skin was literally green from the ink.
My Dad robbed banks and did many many horrible things to get himself familiar with the four cold walls a jail cell brings.
I am sad for him that he missed out on a life enriched with love and family. A life that sure has its problems but is surrounded by people and support when things are hard. He gave up his family. A family is vital.
I feel sad that he didn’t have a relationship with his little girl, Me. I know I would have brought him so much joy and laughter…. But because of his choices, it affected that relationship with me.
I feel sad for him that he didn’t think he was strong enough to break those chains fast enough to build a relationship back. Or even the desire to want to do that.
This is the exact reason why I think it doesn’t take blood to make someone a Dad. A Dad is someone who teaches and protects. Who loves without limits. That’s what my Dad now does. His name is Jon and he is the most incredible man on this earth. My mum has been married to him for 15 years now and there has not been one moment in those 15 years that I haven’t felt like his. He has introduced me to my sister Brooke and brother Blake. I love them both with all my heart. I love them just like I would my blood siblings. I am not different from them in this family I am just as welcome and looked after.
My Dad Jon has shown me what a Dad should be like and has been my saving grace. He chose to shower his love upon me. Jon brought me up when my blood didn't seem thick enough for my biological Dad.
My faith has helped me through all of this and truly believe in Gods healing hand upon my life. There is only so much I could have done in my mindset to help myself. There is only so much humans can do to heal and its import we know that man will let always let us down but God never will. He held me in his right hand and paved a way for me out of the valley and to make sure that I was ALWAYS safe and ALWAYS loved.
You might not have a faith and that’s cool. But please know this,
You are someone that deserves a Dad biological or not.
Your spirit should always soar.
August last year on a Monday morning I got a call from my Grandma letting me know my ‘Dad’ had passed away. Wow, how my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest with shock and confusion on how to feel in this moment.
No, I didn’t have a relationship with him but he was still my Dad, who had once held me when I was a baby and kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me.
She passed on the information I needed as to when and where the funeral would be … It was then up to me if I wanted to attend. What a process….
I want to write a whole blog post on the decision I made because it's worthy of being talked about and shared. So, girlfriend, this convo is to be continued very soon hold on tight things are about to get even more real…..
Sending you a whole lotta love